Wednesday, April 10, 2013

To Thine Own Self Be True

I'm in a very precarious stage in my life right now.

I'm trying to learn new things.
Perhaps I should re-phrase: I'm trying to learn if I might like different things than I've ever thought I would like.

Given the number of people in my life who are used to me being a certain way, this has now caused the first amount of distress.

This shall not be the first post on this topic.
I have developed a certain amount of rigidity in my life, as a coping mechanism for correspondent chaos. I don't feel bad about the rigidity, anymore than I feel bad for my rigidity about breathing -it helps me survive. But in going through this period of growth, I am looking certain fears straight on and challenging them.

And then doing what I've always done and charging straight at them, sometimes falling off the cliff that was between them and me.

I used to sigh about Roland doing this, without realizing that I do the exact same thing. I never found it strange that I always understood Exactly what he was doing and found it something to admire. Of course, I don't even realize I'm doing it unless I fall off the cliff, it's so instinctive, it's so how-I-do-things.

What I'm going to take away from this is that it would be a good idea to try to be self-aware enough to warn people - " Hey, I'm pushing a limit here, that I developed along through my life-fumbling-around in, and I might have some emotional cliff that I won't see coming and suddenly Totally Freak The Fuck Out on you, and It's Not Your Fault."

That presents certain uncomfortable scenarios in and of itself though.
Being self-aware requires awareness of discomfort with certain unavoidable things - like people who I may or may not know, deadlines, expectations, locations that are unfamiliar, and such.

Does this mean that the horse that goes in front of the cart is growing into a comfortability with discomfort? I'm not sure that I can afford this nice tidiness. I'm not sure that life and growth can be so easily arranged.

Words of wisdom from an 8-year old:
“If you cannot control your peanut butter, you cannot expect to control your life.” ~ Judah-ism

And yet, dear nephew, I make excellent peanut butter sandwiches. Perhaps I should content myself with this and make everyone around me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a glass of milk.


  1. Or maybe you should make Judah make you a peanut butter sandwich with milk. ;) He considers it one of his specialties.

    I'm very interested to learn what fears you're charging at these days.

  2. Mostly new people, new places fears.
    Trying to dig into my motivations instead of letting them be happily murky and unobserved.... sigh...