Monday, October 20, 2014

A conversation to save

I invest far too much importance into these strangers
as if one of them saying no to me might result in the
word "reject" being branded on my forehead for
everyone to see

Why do you feel it?  I'm really curious
because you have proof right there that
people love and want you. I'm not downplaying
the fact that you feel it, I just am wondering
where that feeling is coming from

It doesn't transfer from them to me. I can't accept
myself, when I believe that I should be rejected,
that I'm unsafe for people


Because my self-loathing and fear of myself is
internal, externalized love from other people
can't make that go away
It's between me and me
not them and me

I understand

Much, most, of it is about my mother
as I suspect is most of yours
rejection from the day we were born, babe
We've lived under threat to our very survival as
tiny little babies, how could we not?
We learned that that threat to us WAS us
I was unsafe for my mother, I became an unsafe
person to everyone.
When we were born we separated from them,
we had different needs than them, and our
stupid little baby heads didn't understand that
we were supposed to take care of them
When we finally learned that, we were so much
older and the damage was already done
We'd already failed

and we carry that burden and don't know how to
let go of it yet

I was lectured the other day,
he told me I need to let it all go
and that I alone am responsible
for my happiness
Right in the middle of lunch
I felt like crying

That's a very nice sentiment, pop
psych person, (rolling my eyes around,
shooting out sarcasm rainbows) but that's
far more advanced than we're ready for, and
to my mind completely ignores the damage
done to us.  We have a lot we have to do before
we can tackle that lovely concept
Let me know if I project my issues onto you
too much, btw

You are pretty damn spot on

But the first thing that you and I have to do,
being oldest children, having the types of mothers
 we did who witting and unwittingly did their specific
brand of damage - what we have to do is get
to a place where we can even look at the damage
done to our little baby selves, where we were NOT
taken care of FROM THE BEGINNING
Take care of ourselves, wtf?
we don't know how that's done!
It wasn't done for US, so how could we
have learned what that looks like???!!
And then, just maybe, after facing that truth,
we have to wade through ALL of the abandonment,
rage, grief, in an emotional, not just strictly
intellectual way
and JFC if that's not going to be a BITCH

I know
My massive breakdowns in therapy are
just the start for me heh

and only then can we even begin to put
the pieces together to imagine what we
might have wanted, might have needed,
breaking down years of suppression and
repression and oppression, and going
through that grieving process, mourning
that loss
and THEN, working our way toward figuring
 out how to let our adult selves take care of us
so yeah, lol
Make your own damn fucking happiness
that just makes me rage

It's like I want to be sad?


It sounds like it will never get there 

Nah, we will

I've spent the last year blocking myself from
feeling anything just so I can be content
And maintaining those walls, last year, it's
just too fucking hard now

yep, that's actually why we'll succeed, and
probably faster than we expect
Because the thing is - you and me - we grow,
it's who we are. We're crazy strong.
Have you seen that owl picture - the
depression one, beating at it with a stick?

Oh yes

So we're that kind of strong
and smart
And whatever it is about us, our temperaments,
personalities, souls, whatever you want to call it,
we are the kind of people who get there
Take a look at your family... content in their
ignorance, narcissism, bigotry, and look at you
you didn't stay in that
you grew
you fight for yourself and the survival of your soul
and that is why you'll get there and probably
faster than you think

Oh my god

Man, can you imagine us when we've been
able to set down those strength-sucking issues?  lol


That's my take on it.
Pretty sure I'm right about it.
Of course I would.
But I'm still right.

Lol I love you

Love you too. 

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